JON LAING
Artist StatementUgly mutant fish
Very first to walk on land
His name was Jon Laing
—Analects of Confuscius
The
horrible beast of legend, Jon Laing has terrorized the countrysides of Europe,
Asia, and parts of Detroit for centuries. A grotesque fiend with battle axes
for feet and daggers for eye-balls, he is perhaps best known his hauntingly
graceful choreography and solemn opera compositions. Many may remember him from
the epic of Will Smith in which Laing was described as a man "who [was] up
to no good" and "starting making trouble in [his] neighborhood".
Smith was later placed in the FBI witness protection program and is presumed to
have been relocated to somewhere on the West Coast of the United States.
After
winning a game of Russian roulette with Ernest Hemmingway, Laing attempted to
break into the arts. He played a formative role in the hit TV show
"Diff'rent Strokes" and even voiced the CGI character, Arnold Jackson
[1]
in the series' pilot episode. After being replaced by Randy Savage for the
voice of Arnold, Laing attempted to become a famous abstract expressionist
painter.
Laing put his best foot forward as a "self
taught" artist. He was quickly met with rejection and scorn, but would not
be deterred. Upon adoptiong the psuedonym, "Cy Twombly", Laing began
to see palpable success, and was even able to waste a copious amount of wall
space at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Regarding this turn of events, he was
quoted as saying, "I'm starting to think this whole art thing is a load of
bull mess." After years of frustration, Laing chose to attend the
University of the Arts in Philadelphia where his suspicions were confirmed.
In
2011, after kicking his self-esteem addiction [2],
Laing was released from the University on Parole Cum Laude. He lives in
relative obscurity, making horse sculptures out of strands of eyebrow hairs and
cannoli filling [3]. When pressured for a statement, he had
only this to say:
I don't know much about too
much, and all that jazz, but what I can tell you is if I were given a choice
between the former and the latter, I would definitely choose the middle of the
two.
Written by James Hurley, Staff Writer
at the Independent Post of Philadelphia (4/16/2012)
1.
It is widely
accepted by historians and anthropologists that Gary Coleman was a myth
perpetuated by "9/11 truthers" and "ancient alien
theorists" [3].
2.
Laing has been
known many times to relapse back into self-esteem, but his friends and family
do their best to quell the addiction as soon as they notice so much as the
faint odor of confidence on him.
3.
Footnotes and
citations make things look legit.
Check out more of Jon Laing's work at : www.jonlaing.com
Check out more of Jon Laing's work at : www.jonlaing.com
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